Friday, January 16, 2009

Today I Was Sober

Day 11

I guess the most important thing at this moment is to break the silence. I've been away – avoiding, waiting, distracting. I started over eleven days ago. I've been wading through all the shit that follows relapse. Mainly that line of people that I must face, one by one:
my wife
my SAA group
my sponsor
my 12-step group
my program friends
my CR group
my psychiatrist
my rehab group
my therapist
my marriage counselor
my cousin
my brothers
my parents

I hid and lied and used, again. They tell me to keep at it, that I learn more each time, that things are better than they were. Yeah, I know.

The hardest thing to figure out is Linsey's response. She was calm and supportive the first night. There was none of the screaming and crying and hysteria that has become the soundtrack to my fuck-ups. For the first time, she sounded like a “program” person, talking about my addict as if he were another person, robbing me of purpose and joy. Her feelings towards him were the same as mine. She was angry at him, and afraid of him. Resentful that he pulls me away from my kids and my music, from all the things that I live for. From her.

But in the days since then it feels like I've lost a part of her. And I'm seeing that her coolness reflected two changes. First the good one, that she has grown in her understanding of our situation, and doesn't see my addiction as her fault. She knows that she can neither cause nor stop me, that her only choice is whether to stick around while I take care of myself. That makes me happy. But there is more. There is a second change that it has taken me longer to understand. She is moving away from me. She is becoming less vulnerable, less tender. That thing I've heard so many times - that my wife will only put up with me for so long - is sinking in. Some part of me believes, maybe foolishly, that she will warm to me again.

I cannot control tomorrow, only today, only this moment. I will do tonight as I have each day since I returned to sanity. I will be patient, I will do what a loving husband does, and I will take care of myself. God gave me this day, and today I was sober.

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