Saturday, August 21, 2010


Today I met with some program friends and talked about my triggers. This is very difficult, but I think might be one of the missing pieces. I'll have this conversation out of the way next time and I can just say "that thing happened" when I make the call, which should make it a little easier to pick up the phone.

An Irish Friend of Bill shared this with me today. Thanks!

I am Your Disease

I hate meetings.
I hate your higher power.
I hate anyone who has a program.

To all who come in contact with me,
I wish you suffering and death.

Allow me to introduce myself...
I am the disease of addiction.

Alcoholism, drugs and eating disorders.
I am cunning, baffling and powerful. Thats me!

I've killed millions and enjoyed doing it.
I love to catch you by surprise.
I love pretending I'm your friend and lover.
I've given you comfort.
Wasn't I there when you were lonely?

When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me?

I love to make you hurt.
I love to make you cry. Better yet...
I love it when I make you so numb,
You can't hurt and you can't cry.
You feel nothing at all.

I give you instant gratification.
All I ask for in return is long term suffering.
I've always been there for you.

When things were going right, you invited me back.
You said you didn't deserve to be happy.
I agreed with you.
Together we were able to destroy your life.

People don't take me seriously.
They take strokes seriously.
They take heart attacks seriously.
Even diabetes, they take seriously.
Yet, without my help, these things wouldn't be possible.

I'm such a hated disease, yet I don't come uninvited.
You choose to have me.
Many have chosen me, instead of love and peace.

I hate all of you who work a 12step program.
Your program, your meetings, and your higher power weaken me.
I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.

I am your disease.
For now I must lie here quietly.
You don't see me, but I'm growing more powerful everyday.

When you settle for mere existence, I thrive.
When you feel fully alive, I weaken.
But I'm always here waiting for you.

Until we meet again,
I wish you continued suffering and death.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Another Crash

My wife caught me using tonight. It was the same as I've done in the past - taking the stuff before I go to bed, then faking sleep while I float in the glow of the hallucinations. We were both awake around 3:30 and she could tell so she asked. I told her the truth.

This last time was supposed to be the real one, the sobriety that lasted so we could put our marriage back together. I messed that up.

I don't want to lose my family. I love Linsey and the kids so much it's like they're a part of me.

Linsey said that I need to move out and go to my mom's house tomorrow and that she wouldn't change her mind this time. That's okay with me. I feel awful and I don't want to have to see the look on her face every day when our eyes meet. It breaks my heart and I can't stand that I'm hurting her again.

I've heard a lot of people talking about hitting bottom lately. My addictions have had way too few consequences so maybe being away from my family will be the bottom for me. I know it's so much worse for most people so I feel stupid even saying that.

I am sleeping on the couch for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be a hard day. It will be good to be sober again. I need to do the right things this time. It's possible to be sober I, just haven't committed yet.