Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Here We Go...

I've hit bottom.

It's 2:15 AM and I'm high. I'm at my parents' house because Linsey and I can't live together after my relapses. I lost my job at the church (more about that later) and I might lose my family.

What I need to do is go and wake up my parents, and tell them that I've been using in their home. Isn't that totally addict behavior? I pack my black bag full of all the stuff I need to live and work, and move in with my parents, because Linsey and I are in a bad place, relationship-wise. I go to meetings and get newcomer chips and hugs, then go to CVS and steal three bottles of my drug and smuggle it back to my room at Mom and Dad's Place.

And I'm looking at the insane addict behavior and I'm realizing:
Here I am, justifying the drugs and porn, laying in a bed at my parents' house. My parents - who gave me a place to live when Linsey couldn't take it anymore. I've brought the addiction right along with me, thinking I could stop it when I moved back home.

A friend in recovery IM'd me the other day. She said that she'd be in trouble when her "hunney" got home. She had relapsed, and was in that coming-down-and-feeling-guilty place. In her inebriated state she typed, "Why does it have such a hold on us?"