Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Here We Go...

I've hit bottom.

It's 2:15 AM and I'm high. I'm at my parents' house because Linsey and I can't live together after my relapses. I lost my job at the church (more about that later) and I might lose my family.

What I need to do is go and wake up my parents, and tell them that I've been using in their home. Isn't that totally addict behavior? I pack my black bag full of all the stuff I need to live and work, and move in with my parents, because Linsey and I are in a bad place, relationship-wise. I go to meetings and get newcomer chips and hugs, then go to CVS and steal three bottles of my drug and smuggle it back to my room at Mom and Dad's Place.

And I'm looking at the insane addict behavior and I'm realizing:
Here I am, justifying the drugs and porn, laying in a bed at my parents' house. My parents - who gave me a place to live when Linsey couldn't take it anymore. I've brought the addiction right along with me, thinking I could stop it when I moved back home.

A friend in recovery IM'd me the other day. She said that she'd be in trouble when her "hunney" got home. She had relapsed, and was in that coming-down-and-feeling-guilty place. In her inebriated state she typed, "Why does it have such a hold on us?"


  1. Maybe it is time for rigorous honesty with the parents. And with those in program. I don't know the answers, but I do know that asking for God's help provides answers.

  2. I know that walking in the light sets us free. the truth sets us free.

  3. "every breath is a second chance"

  4. That's the big thing right now. Surrendering everything to the light, hiding nothing. thanks for your encouragement Annette.

  5. I think there was a time when I was better at "rigorous honesty." Trying to get back in that place. Thanks Syd.

  6. I guess the bad news is that you're at your bottom.  And that sucks, to be sure.  The good news is that, at least as of the time of your post, you were still breathing. 
    The addict never dies until we die. 
    I think the thing that those of us in recovery have to remind ourselves of is that just like the nightmare effects the addiction brings our lives and destroys all around us, it does bear gifts.
    How is that possible you ask?
    Normies will never have the perspective on addiction that we have.  We get that it's a tool that used to help us.  We get that it's deeply ingrained, to the degree that it cannot and will never leave us.  It has protected us long ago when we were hurting, when we were in danger, when we (seemingly or really) had no where else to turn.
    Recovery allows us to see that the current use is never justified.  It's our disordered thinking of addiction that brings us back down that path.
    I've lost two wives and one family (my kids from wife #2) and I have to bay boat loads of money to be supervised around my older kids from my Ex.  It will not end in the forseeable future, no matter how many experts I would try to speak on my behalf, and fighting that in court would be expensive and may expose my disease to the public, which could cost me my livelihood.
    So I always live with that reminder of the disease.
    I recently had a relapse into my sex addiction and i've been smouldering with my food addiction for years at a much higher level now that I've been sexually sober from my worst behaviors for >5 years.  My porn and masturbation had a major relapse in the past month that seems to be tenuously stabilized at the moment.
    My (unsolicited) advice for you is to go back to step one, and that includes realizing your powerlessness to save your family.  Once you accept that piece, I believe you'll be able to continue moving on in recovery.  We can't pick up the pieces of our lives until we've really let go of all of these things and get humbled to the core.
    That being said, I'm not so sure disclosure to your parents and others is a good thing. I've had a hard time keeping disclosure boundaries, mostly early in recovery and that's likely because I was so 'high' from the shock of abstinence to my system that I was practically yelling about it from the roof tops and was really an a$$h0le regarding people who were still acting out or those who didn't understand addiction/weren't in recovery. 
    Telling your parents may be okay if they handle it well--a big if, considering you could end up on the street. 
     If you have the means to do so, going 'inpatient' may be your best bet at a solid run of abstinence. 
    If that's impossible, then the next bet would be to do a 90 meetings in 90 days, get yourself a sponsor (or 'temporary' sponsor) that you can start step 1 with, and start building boundaries around your addictions so you don't act out.
    Some boundaries that work for me include not carrying cash, not using a computer alone unless it's protected by an accountability software like x3church or covenant eyes, not going to/driving around places where I typically acted out, and making lots and lots and lots of phone calls to other addicts.
    And, like you, I love blogging (, but I haven't been nearly as active in the past couple of years as compared to the first years of recovery.
    I hope that helps you Eli, but if not, perhaps this will give some hope and/or help to someone.
    Peace brother

  7. Hey Eli - 
    It's Texaco here.  Post something, dude.  I want to hear from you.


  8. This is the whirling vortex I have escaped - I hated the sheer terror of the anxiety with nothing to stop it.  nothing.

  9. I'm finally coming back and replying to some of these comments, and I'm reminded again of the time and sincerity you put into yours (way back in August!) I was in a pretty desperate place, so I hope that excuses my (somewhat rude) delay a little bit...

    There was a lot of helpful advice here, and I've ended up walking through most of the things you mentioned. As you know, they're all difficult. None of it has been easy - I think the work I've done has been especially difficult because I'm finally working on the right things. I went over to your blog and I see you're still posting - I'll try to catch up soon. Thanks again, LB. The time and honesty you put into this post helped me more than you know.

  10. Yours is another comment that I delayed responding to - and now I feel terrible. I was in such a bad place when I wrote this post that my upkeep of this blog really suffered. But I look at the honesty and vulnerability in your comment and I'm sad that I was not more responsive, and that I didn't offer you my support the way you did for me. I am (now) praying for you and hoping that you are finding some peace and progress. I will stop by your blog soon and catch up.

  11.  Trying to get back into posting, Chris. I think for a while I haven't known how - because the things I'm working on have been so personal and shameful. Thanks for checking in (way back in Nov :)

  12.  It is truly unbelievable. No non-addict will ever understand it, which is why I'm glad we have each other.

  13. sometimes all I can manage is a quarterly checkin myself.

    I'm so happy you haven't vanished. Welcome back.