Thursday, July 30, 2009

Turn Around

We're in an RV park just outside of Yosemite. The kids get into little screamy fights a few times a day because of the close quarters, (James says, "I just need my personal space!") but other than that we're having a great time. I'm still struggling, as I wrote in my last post. I spoke to my wife just a little bit ago, so that she knows what's going on, and I'm hoping if I keep doing the right things I can turn around.

Turn around is exactly the right phrase. The problem isn't as much what I'm doing, as where I'm heading. My gray-area, middle circle activities haven't taken me into to a relapse, but if they continue, they will. Even if I am "good" for a significant period of time, what I notice is that I am still heading the wrong direction. I'm in that cycle of obsession/anticipation/adrenaline/release, and it feels just like it does when I'm full-on in my addiction. This is what's so frightening. I relapsed during our vacation last year, and for months, Linsey said she never wanted to plan a vacation for us again.

So even if my activities don't look significantly different (I haven't really been able to act out in the crowded space of the RV), I am ready to be different inside, on a spiritual level. I'm glad I've been in recovery long enough to know when something is wrong spiritually, even if things aren't falling apart yet on the outside.

Back to recovery for me. Reading, prayer, talking to the right people, and gratitude. I will remember to see what's really happening: My addict tells me that by being honest I'm giving up the ability to get away with a few marginally exciting sketchy activities. What's really happening is I'm choosing to be present and sober on this vacation. Instead of being distracted by plans in the back of my mind for the selfish things I can do when I get home, I want to breathe deeply of the mountain air, and quietly take in all the beauty that defines this amazing and spiritual place.


  1. ASking God to hold you in His hands and let you rest there.

  2. prayers and strength to you! i found the hardest times to be the middle-of-the-road times, and surprisingly, when all is going smoothly...

  3. look online for a meeting and get to it. you need a meeting. there is an online radio station called euphoiarecoveryradio, i think it is all one word, they play na speaker tapes 24/7 if you can't get to a meeting listen to a speaker tape.
    prayers and enjoy the vaca.. with your family. that is the good stuff the little fights the faces of incredible anguish like a child has never sat in a seat for 3 hours before!! make them hike and have fun this is the good stuff in life.

  4. Your journey is so real, I learn much about the disease from you.

    You are brave in facing your demons. Climb some steep hills out there--that starts the endorphins and clears the crap.

  5. one day at a time, I have faith you cna do this.