Monday, August 17, 2009

One Stupid Night

I lost my way.

I used last night. I don't know why. I'm still coming down so I'm not thinking very clearly.

During the darkest hours of the night, I thought about how my brain works. I knew that if I waited for morning, I would try to hide my mistake, and would find myself caught up in the machinery of addiction. I would think that I could stop it all through prayer and willpower and work, sidestepping disclosure. I've been there with embarrassing frequency, in that cycle of swearing off, planning, acting out, then starting over again and again.

So I woke up Linsey at 4:00 and told her what I'd done. I don't want to get caught in a week or a month, wandering the house while the world is sleeping. I need to stop now, I said. I'll reset my sobriety date (I had seven months) and get back to living. And I knew that whatever shame I felt today or tomorrow wouldn't be worse than the nightmare of living in my addictions.

My addictions. I've been a little vague because, frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed. But what the hell, here ya go: I'm addicted to DXM and internet porn. DXM is dextromethorphan, or cough syrup. Yes, over-the-counter cough syrup in “recreational” quantities. The reason I feel stupid is that being addicted to Robitussin is very high-schoolish, and a real sex addict is supposed to be visiting massage parlors, right? I'm such a fucking teenager when it comes to my vices. I throw in abusive doses of a couple other prescriptions as well, and I find nirvana. My rehab psychiatrist once said, “we become chemists.”

I am the luckiest man in the world. I have beautiful, intriguing children. I get to sing and make music for a living. My wife is generous and kind and diligent in her own recovery, and we are finding the way together. I have been reading through your past comments and I am humbled to be here with you. I ask that you forgive my selfishness. I'm getting back to work.

Image credit: nervousgravity @


  1. Keep up the fight (with yourself?) Eli. I'll be checking back to watch the sobriety clock go back up days, weeks, months.

  2. Eli, I left a comment the size of a small BOOK on your TSR blog-site.

  3. Keep pressing against the door until it opens Eli. Take great care of yourself

  4. Eli,

    Thank you for your honesty and your blog.

    I will be here waiting to see your journey grow, knowing that the program works if you work it and I know it does...

    Find your way back...we will be waiting to trudge the road of happy destiny with you again.

    Glad you came back, now keep coming back, get to some meetings, be honest and work...


  5. hey! you got up, you're standing, well done!

  6. You don't need our forgiveness, honey, you need yours. Forgive yourself, call your sponsor, and get right back up. It's your only option.

  7. 5 to stay alive
    90 meetings in 90 days
    sponsor- call, call, call
    steps- work them
    literature- read it
    service- do it
    take care of you and remember, you never have to use again

  8. Eli -- Congratulations on two days, and congratulations on having enough sobriety and courage to wake up your wife and tell her the truth. Without the strength of those seven months behind you, the slip could have turned into full-blown relapse. I'm glad you are here and have the courage to share. You give me willingness to be human, even when I don't want to.

  9. Eli, I'm glad that you stopped before things got crazy. You have the tools. I hope that you're using all of them.

  10. Glad you came and posted here CHOSE to walk in the light. Awesome job my friend. Progress not perfection. ((hug))

  11.  Nice post, thanks for writting this!