My wife caught me using tonight. It was the same as I've done in the past - taking the stuff before I go to bed, then faking sleep while I float in the glow of the hallucinations. We were both awake around 3:30 and she could tell so she asked. I told her the truth.
This last time was supposed to be the real one, the sobriety that lasted so we could put our marriage back together. I messed that up.
I don't want to lose my family. I love Linsey and the kids so much it's like they're a part of me.
Linsey said that I need to move out and go to my mom's house tomorrow and that she wouldn't change her mind this time. That's okay with me. I feel awful and I don't want to have to see the look on her face every day when our eyes meet. It breaks my heart and I can't stand that I'm hurting her again.
I've heard a lot of people talking about hitting bottom lately. My addictions have had way too few consequences so maybe being away from my family will be the bottom for me. I know it's so much worse for most people so I feel stupid even saying that.
I am sleeping on the couch for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be a hard day. It will be good to be sober again. I need to do the right things this time. It's possible to be sober I, just haven't committed yet.
