Friday, August 20, 2010

Another Crash

My wife caught me using tonight. It was the same as I've done in the past - taking the stuff before I go to bed, then faking sleep while I float in the glow of the hallucinations. We were both awake around 3:30 and she could tell so she asked. I told her the truth.

This last time was supposed to be the real one, the sobriety that lasted so we could put our marriage back together. I messed that up.

I don't want to lose my family. I love Linsey and the kids so much it's like they're a part of me.

Linsey said that I need to move out and go to my mom's house tomorrow and that she wouldn't change her mind this time. That's okay with me. I feel awful and I don't want to have to see the look on her face every day when our eyes meet. It breaks my heart and I can't stand that I'm hurting her again.

I've heard a lot of people talking about hitting bottom lately. My addictions have had way too few consequences so maybe being away from my family will be the bottom for me. I know it's so much worse for most people so I feel stupid even saying that.

I am sleeping on the couch for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be a hard day. It will be good to be sober again. I need to do the right things this time. It's possible to be sober I, just haven't committed yet.


  1. Eli, I was wondering where your sponsor is in all of this. Do you call him? Do you go to meetings? Do you want to stop?

  2. I met with my sponsor last night. I lied to him - didn't tell him that I had relapsed Tuesday - and bought stuff on the way home.

    I always want to stop. I guess I'll have to really experience some consequences and loss before I take it seriously enough.

  3. what you are doing is living in pure hell. it is a comfortable pain, enough to keep doing it. you are afraid of stopping completely, it is easier to give in to the failure of relapse.

    try going to 90 meetings in 90 days, try rehab, try something different because anything is better then the hell you are putting yourself and everyone else through. it isn't fair for anybody. sitting on a pity pot and feeling sorry for yourself is ridiculous. you deserve better and so does your family.

    i just buried a friend who thought they could use just one more time. chronic relapsers put themselves through far worse pain then anyone i know, and we all suffer for it. those of us who are sitting helplessly on the sidelines hoping and praying for you to come to your senses.

    stop lying, stop trying to kill yourself and start living, if your higher power wanted you dead, you wouldn't be here, you have a purpose and you are important.

  4. Eli the people that matter dont mind and the people that mind don't matter so there is nothing to fear by being honest with your sponsor. Or anyone for that matter.

    I have yet to meet someone who can get well who has not figured out how to be honest with people in AA or who has not figured out how to maintain some collaboration with a sponsor. meaning remaining teachable and willing to ask for help. If you succeed using this reduced method I would be very surprised.

    The good news is that if you are willing to go to any lengths in order to get well and can take suggestion, then you too will get well the same way the rest of us did. Half measures availed us nothing Im afraid. It doesnt say 'except for Eli', so Im afraid as long as you continue in this manner, you are likely to keep getting the same results. Your condition is eminently treatable. But recovery cannot stand a snowballs chance in hell if you are applying half measures Im afraid. which is a shame because I hate to see anyone suffer if their predicament is entirely preventable. Alas, this is not a programme for people that need it, as you clearly do, but instead is reserved for people that are sick and tired of being sick and tired and therefore want it. I hope you get 'the gift of desperation' very very soon. Good luck Eli.

  5. Will your Mom put up with your shit while you finish up and/or die?

  6. I think it is nice that you were honest when she asked. I've always been met with, 'you don't know me, I'm just tired' etc.

    I also wonder, even though it is a disease, if there is pain or fear or some kind of emotion that is a trigger for using. Maybe something that has not been dealt with thoroughly? idk

  7. Have you seen this one?

    I am Your Disease

    I hate meetings.
    I hate your higher power.
    I hate anyone who has a program.

    To all who come in contact with me,
    I wish you suffering and death.

    Allow me to introduce myself...
    I am the disease of addiction.

    Alcoholism, drugs and eating disorders.
    I am cunning, baffling and powerful. Thats me!

    I've killed millions and enjoyed doing it.
    I love to catch you by surprise.
    I love pretending I'm your friend and lover.
    I've given you comfort.
    Wasn't I there when you were lonely?

    When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me?

    I love to make you hurt.
    I love to make you cry. Better yet...
    I love it when I make you so numb,
    You can't hurt and you can't cry.
    You feel nothing at all.

    I give you instant gratification.
    All I ask for in return is long term suffering.
    I've always been there for you.

    When things were going right, you invited me back.
    You said you didn't deserve to be happy.
    I agreed with you.
    Together we were able to destroy your life.

    People don't take me seriously.
    They take strokes seriously.
    They take heart attacks seriously.
    Even diabetes, they take seriously.
    Yet, without my help, these things wouldn't be possible.

    I'm such a hated disease, yet I don't come uninvited.
    You choose to have me.
    Many have chosen me, instead of love and peace.

    I hate all of you who work a 12step program.
    Your program, your meetings, and your higher power weaken me.
    I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to.

    I am your disease.
    For now I must lie here quietly.
    You don't see me, but I'm growing more powerful everyday.

    When you settle for mere existence, I thrive.
    When you feel fully alive, I weaken.
    But I'm always here waiting for you.

    Until we meet again,
    I wish you continued suffering and death.

  8. My addictions led me into deep darkness and the struggle out was difficult and painful. There is no easier softer way. The warm, numbing, embrace of our addictions leads us to our own destruction. Just like the metaphor of placing a frog in cool water and then slowing heating up the water until the frog dies, the frog unaware that the water around it is boiling.

    It is so hard to let go of what I believed is true and started to listen to the voices in of those in recovery.

    Do the work. Enduring the pain that my emotions bring me is much easier when I am holding the hands of those that walk with me down the same path. I don't have to be alone but I do need to reach out.