Friday, July 29, 2011

Asking for Help


I'm starting over again. I know there are people out there who think I shouldn't be blogging about recovery when I've relapsed so many times, and if you've been following me for a while, you know I don't blow off anybody's advice. So I've taken some time to think about what I'm doing here, and here's what bobs to the surface: I'm healthier when I'm blogging. There's something about putting thoughts “out there”, as opposed to ranting in my password-protected journal, that helps me. So I'm going to keep doing it. I don't think I make any claims that I've got it all figured out.

On the other hand, I'm struggling a little with the conversation-like nature of blogging. What I was actually thinking about when I started this blog, in my typical grandiose manner, was writing a book. Now I know the world doesn't really need another drugalog – I can swap war stories with other addicts after meetings. So when I began posting three years ago, I was mainly looking for a workshop-like setting where I could practice writing. I quickly found out that blogging, at best, is a conversation. At times I considered disabling comments, and approaching the whole thing like a magazine column. (I could be the next Mary Roach and write witty columns for Reader's Digest!) Eventually I figured out what blogging was, and found the comments to be helpful – if not for getting sober, at least for not feeling alone. My struggle is that I often hesitate to post at all when I remember that by saying anything, I'm inviting feedback. But that brings me back to what I said earlier. Something happens when I post here. Something good.

My biggest obstacle to posting is that I don't want to share until I've got a success story. That was part of the allure of the book idea: Struggle, struggle, struggle, then fix it, document it, and share it. But recovery doesn't work that way. It's in the agonizing moment of vulnerability that healing happens. In that place where I've come to the end of myself and have to ask for help. When I don't ask for help because I'm supposed to, but because I must. So I wanted to post today before I do something scary. I need to tell my pastor (and boss) that I was under the influence yesterday while in my office, which I've never done before. I had alcohol hidden in my filing drawer. At worst I'll be out of a job, at best I'll set up a new level of accountability with him, which is something I've needed to do for a long time anyway. Tonight at my meeting I can finally connect my pastor with my sponsor. I'll post later about the outcome. I just know that I can't get better until I ask for, and accept, the help I need.

16 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're back, Eli.  I was just thinking of you the other day.  I  identify with what you wrote regarding the blogging.  It is like a conversation and, for me too, it has helped me feel less lonely.

    I don't know what else to say, other than keep coming back.  People do care.

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  2. I've been wondering about you, Eli.  I'm sure you're heard that you're only as sick as your secrets. I hope it goes well with your boss.  

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  3. Eli,
    In order to keep what we have, we have to be willing to give it away!  You don't have to write about what wonderful things go on in your life.  Part of recovery is admitting that we do relapse sometimes many, many times before we are where God wants us to be.  Perhaps sharing your pain, sharing the stuff that you think is so awful will allow you to receive feedback that will help build you up because we have all been there done that.  Just tell the truth.  Even if it's one line that says, "I'm having a sh***y day."

    I do not think less of you for relapsing.  I do worry that by not allowing yourself to be brutally honest about what is going on in your head that you are setting yourself up for failure.  The enemy wants you to fail.  God wants to use our mistakes for His glory!

    Blog on, the good the bad and the ugly.  I will support you when you need it and I'll send you comments that you don't have to post telling you when you are doing things that are harmful to you.  NO SECRETS!!!

    Much love to you my friend!

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  4. I think hiding our down moments only adds to the addictive nature. Something I like to call stinking thinking. If no one knows we're not as mired in our addiction as we think...

    The truth Eli, trying to hide the addiction is what got us all into trouble to begin with. The more accountable you make your actions the more you put yourself out there, the more you're saying I need help. You're also saying I'm human and I'm really trying here.

    You're always going to struggle sweet friend. So...why not continue to struggle with your recovery until the results begin to make sense and you finally want it. I'd say it's far better to have friends beside you in your struggle than trying to go it alone and hiding.

    As for a book? We all have stories, failures, recoveries, and in the end it's not a story we're telling but a life we're struggling to live.(Hugs)Indigo

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  5. I've been told a few times to keep my shit to myself. That others should not have to endure the struggles that I go though. People die holding the darkness inside. In the recovery world, suicide happens much to often to those who end up alone, their thoughts telling them that "it's" all hopeless, there is no place to turn.

    I agree with Indigo that speaking of our failures, our struggles, our humanness, is an important part of our recovery. When I read of someone's struggles, I feel connected with them, knowing that I am not alone on this sometimes difficult journey. When I share my struggles, the thought with which I struggle looses a bit of it's power. Sometimes it takes years to stop struggling so never give up. Share over and over, most people don't mind. 

    Nice to read your writing. Keep coming back.

     

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  6. hang in there brother - my first year of recovery I had over 50 relapses - never quite trying - the miracle will happen ~Brave Addict   http://www.BraveAddict.com

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  7. Nice to know I'm not the only one.

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  8. I especially like what you said about connecting with someone when you read their struggles. I am often deeply moved when I read someone who is being honest about something I've been afraid to share.

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  9. Yep, it's all about coming out of hiding for me right now. Great to hear from you my friend.

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  10. what an encouraging thing to read - that someone's out there who will be honest with me, and who's willing to read even the stupidest of the stuff I do. thanks

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  11.  As for my boss - it did and it didn't. Still need to write about that. also, it's nice to be "wondered about" :)

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  12.  don't need to say much else, Kristin. just glad you're a part of the conversation.

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  13. Eli, so glad to read you again.  It's not your relapses that define you, but your willingness and ability to keep coming back.  You are very brave.  Keep going deeper.  Keep showing up.  Keep being honest.  You can do this one day at a time. 

    You are more than the length of your sobriety.

    -invisigal

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  14. I think it's very courageous of you to document your journey even though you know you're not fully there. I think the process is just as important to note as the result. It helps others, even wives of addicts like myself.

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  15. Good to be reminded that the process is as important as the result, at least in a blog. I keep working on this - posting what's going on, even if there's no resolution.

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  16. This post was the beginning of a significant new period in my life. Unfortunately, I did keep using for a few weeks, but July 29 was the start of some big changes. It's nice that I can go back and read it now without getting a stomach ache.

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